Things They Don't Tell You When They Say "Never Eat Gluten Again"

When I found out last August that I could no longer have gluten, my main thoughts involved bread and pasta. Little did I know, I would feel amazing and much healthier, despite my lack of wheat-laden products. That being said, I'm very happy I'm gluten-free. I'm happy there are so many options, and I'm happy I have friends and family who are considerate of my needs.

But its not an easy life. Without careful and due diligence, you can screw up.

Screwing up is easy to do. You misread a box of Captain Crunch and rationalize that "oat flour" is probably safe. It's 730pm and its the only cereal in the house. You're starving. Look at that little Napoleon-wannabe, he's practically begging you to eat that crunchy goodness. The box doesn't say "contains wheat", and oats don't have gluten.

It's safe right?
You rationalize that it probably is. You'll be fine.

[What you don't know during this process, is that "oat flour" can actually contain up to 50% wheat flour without having to report it... and it does just that.]

Gluten tastes good.
Like daaaaamn gluten, can I has your numbah? Your momma must be a meter maid cause gluten, you've got fiiiiiine written all over you.

It takes a few minutes, but if you have no gluten in your system and you suddenly eat gluten {especially if you medically cannot have gluten}, you STRAIGHT UP FEEL LIKE DEATH. Monty Python better swing by with the "bring out your dead" skit, cause that's where you go. If you're like me, you get a massive headache, stomachache (and I'm freezing cold... in the middle of summer.) All you will want is your bed and to go to sleep. You might even cry a little for no reason.

Once you taste blood, you want more.

Here's what I don't get about "bandwagon-jumping" Gluten Free People. If you CAN eat gluten, WHY WOULDNT YOU? I'm here, sick and miserable because I ate gluten, and yet.... I want more. I would eat that whole damn box, with that sick little naval bastard smiling maniacally all the while, if I wouldn't die. And half of me irrationally wants to go do that right now. So, now, after months of not screwing up, and almost being able to pretend that "rice bread" and "corn pasta" are just as good as the real deal, its back to stage one of craving all that gluten.

So please, if you can eat gluten, do. Be my gluten proxy. I'll be over here, in a blanket in the corner, trying not think about Captain Crunch